first night back after break...

so i decided, even without comments to see if i have a following; I'm going to keep using this for my mental sanity. something about turning 33 makes people doubt their place on earth after so long, doubting everything you've done and will do because you feel permantely stuck in a shit circle of life.

thats what's im dealing with. my job lack for better words is basically me working inside my own grave, has been like this for the last 3 out of 8 years i've been employed their. i keep thinking, i make a difference because i show up and give them 100 percent of myself but i'm not recognized for hard work, not that i would want the eyes on me but something personal would make me feel i guess the phrase is; valued. which a joke considering where i work. To have come back from a vacation and only a few people noticed me missing means alittle to me but not a bunch, i only associate with maybe 5 out of our 20plus number crew but that's just me, im not a young one trying to make friends im here to work and clock out and go home. i should have made it a longer vacation but i can't be out too long without getting paid for the whole time, taking one paid day and two unpaid ontop of my usual schedueled nights off was the most i ever did in a long time.

but i digress;
I know that being unhappy within my life, it means that i have to take the tools i learned from highschool therapy and make things better. but you know what, the fact that my neighbor things im following her and harassing her because im smoking and come outside and i see her(coincidence i know but she is old as hell and has to be paranoid and wants to keep track of how many times i come out side to smoke) what she fails to realise is that I don't care that much about her to follow her and want to be bothered with her. honestly, that old bat needs to move back to the retirement villagee across the street and leave me the fuck alone. one day im gonna snap and the fact i didnt yet even when she called the police on me for smoking in front of my door. i have some type of guardian watching me not letting me explode and maybe claim a life.

i could change jobs to something that i wanna do and be happy but the fact remains this that nothing pays like job ever since covid started and minimum wage was hiked up. sad to say i cant beat the pay im making now. and since i dont have those degrees and training to get something better paying and might make me happy i have the choice of either staying where i am or taking a lower paying job and then end up finding another job to just make sure i can make ends meet.

my life is hilarious, a fucking greek tradegy.