I cant believe it's almost been 15 years since i posted on here. so many life changes and so many disappointments have befallen me in that time span. I hope your all ready for a ride if your still with me. if your new here, welcome the to shit show that is my life.
I was engaged. Never would i have thought that this patheic angry human being would end up catching someone who wanted to shackle themselves to me forever. I was BEYOND happy, i was in shock and just insane with visions of happy feelings. Our union lasted almost five years and yet; never made it down the aisle. His mother hated me, i was black. He was in love with his best friend's baby's momma. I took her in my apartment with the two of us, i should have thought about it more but i never thought it would stoop to that level, but he did and so did she. Cheating in my house where they both didnt pay rent. They had to be removed, with the help of family, mine not his, they were gone and that was that.
Jump about 3 years later and alot of bad dates and random guys who did NOTHING for me, i stopped dating and found a guy online. he was from my old stomping grounds, he was cute and i didn't anticipate a problem but i probably should have. In that time span, i had been promoted at work 3 times to management(yay me) and had a everyday crush situation with one customer situation. i got brazen and found the guts to ask him out, turns out he didn't date black girls or should change that to say, he didn't date black girls like me. i was crestfallen. i mean i did the most when it came to him in mind. if he requested me to help him i would find someone else to take care of him, i mean honestly; how could someone face the person who basically called them out for not being their type in a big bold display in front of others. being the age i was, i wanted to cry but i had to keep face and move on.
Trying to establish a bond with the new guy i chatted with online curtosy of a dating website we met and our first met or date if thats what you want to call it was beyond unconvential, he was working selling vape products. not only that, he was with his coworker/homie and it was akward and i was beyond nervous. he was tall, so damn tall. blue eyes, blond hair, gangster as hell and wanted to just make a good change and maybe find my lobster as pheobe said about ross and rachel and in NO way would i compare this relationship to theirs.
It was only maybe 2 or 3 months into our so called relationship when he ran into a situation about his living arrangement and needed a place to stay. i offered because we were dating and he had spent a few weekends with me but maybe i shouldn't have offered but I am the helper and helped i did. one thing i didn't expect was the hell and pain that would follow, the emotion and feeling of me grabbing bottles and throwing into walls because of anger. the desire to hurt him for cheating me in my house and his lying about it constantly, it was a mind fuck. and then the worst surprise of surprises; i had accepted a position at work to return to nightshift with a significant pay bump and i agreed. nights were beyond hard in the beginning but i got through it and fell into a pattern, maybe thats when he would cheat and have this woman or women over in my house, his couch in my living room, in my bed...
I can't over think it because the pain just comes back seeping in slowly.
He left me while i was working one night, took all his things and when i came home i see keys on the table and none of his things. i was in shock. feeling dumbfounded i called the cops and filed a missing persons report because i hadn't heard from him in 24 hours and it was the cop's face when i retold the information for the report that made me feel like a fool; he broke up with you and moved out like a coward, he doesn't want to be found. Stop, baby girl just accept it and stop..you can't fix this. that moment when i closed the door sent me into a downward spiral.
3 days. 3 days i was sunken into the couch with bottles upon bottles of bourbon, i just drank and cried. i didn't eat, i only moved to care for my cats. i was beyond depressed. the fourth day when i went back to work my bosses asked me what happened, i gushed and told them. they felt sympathy and tried to treat me with kid gloves, i told them it wasn't what i needed.
the fog i lived in for the longest time made me so numb that i decided to not date. ever. and so far it has been going strong since then.
My cat passed away, that shattered me. she was my baby and taking care of her when she sick and holding her and feeding her by spoon i worried about her. calling my sister for help at 4am i couldn't believe that my rock went to sleep by the door. i worried that i would leave for work the next night and walk in the next day and she would be dead. it broke me and i was done for, i mourned her by killing my back and hands at work that night and the next 4 days after. I still have my house panther, her younger sister and she and I are bonded so close and just now i work and live for her and me. my best friend and baby.
speaking for best friends, my main one got married and i had the honor being her bridesmaid but a unforunate work related injury cause me to not be able to attend. my shutting down the position of bridesmaid is something else all together which i will not discuss; amongst other things.
so that's the unexpanded explaintion for 15 years; i think i did pretty good. trying to keep up with these things here it will be difficult but i will try.
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