i hate when things change and never for the better..

we all know that since the pandemic alot of things that once was the norm is now forbidden or morealess something untouchable now because she didn't see the danger in it, because again it was the norm. now that everything that was and is part of our daily lives, we have to measure the negative and positive possible ramaifications. 

who has that much time in the day to do that, 7/254/365? i know i dont.

At work we started something new, "team swarming" and let me just say this here; that is the most idiotic stupid shit i have ever heard of and done. i work with people who just wants to through frieght anywhere and everywhere just to get it done and don't care about how long it takes the next person to come and fix their mistake. i know they do it on purpose, I KNOW they do. they don't care. so fine, don't care but don't fuck it up for me later on. I have MANY years experince where i am, why would you question my knowledge and i'm helping you? i guess im taking out my ass. 

...sorry i got tired. its like i said in my pervious post that nobody reads; this job is killing one day at a time. falling asleep at this laptop, ima gonna say goodnight and try again tomorrow; my day off.

 

first night back after break...

so i decided, even without comments to see if i have a following; I'm going to keep using this for my mental sanity. something about turning 33 makes people doubt their place on earth after so long, doubting everything you've done and will do because you feel permantely stuck in a shit circle of life.

thats what's im dealing with. my job lack for better words is basically me working inside my own grave, has been like this for the last 3 out of 8 years i've been employed their. i keep thinking, i make a difference because i show up and give them 100 percent of myself but i'm not recognized for hard work, not that i would want the eyes on me but something personal would make me feel i guess the phrase is; valued. which a joke considering where i work. To have come back from a vacation and only a few people noticed me missing means alittle to me but not a bunch, i only associate with maybe 5 out of our 20plus number crew but that's just me, im not a young one trying to make friends im here to work and clock out and go home. i should have made it a longer vacation but i can't be out too long without getting paid for the whole time, taking one paid day and two unpaid ontop of my usual schedueled nights off was the most i ever did in a long time.

but i digress;
I know that being unhappy within my life, it means that i have to take the tools i learned from highschool therapy and make things better. but you know what, the fact that my neighbor things im following her and harassing her because im smoking and come outside and i see her(coincidence i know but she is old as hell and has to be paranoid and wants to keep track of how many times i come out side to smoke) what she fails to realise is that I don't care that much about her to follow her and want to be bothered with her. honestly, that old bat needs to move back to the retirement villagee across the street and leave me the fuck alone. one day im gonna snap and the fact i didnt yet even when she called the police on me for smoking in front of my door. i have some type of guardian watching me not letting me explode and maybe claim a life.

i could change jobs to something that i wanna do and be happy but the fact remains this that nothing pays like job ever since covid started and minimum wage was hiked up. sad to say i cant beat the pay im making now. and since i dont have those degrees and training to get something better paying and might make me happy i have the choice of either staying where i am or taking a lower paying job and then end up finding another job to just make sure i can make ends meet.

my life is hilarious, a fucking greek tradegy. 

no response is a response...

Well it seems like my return after 15 years wasn't greeted the way i wanted. i guess some people don't care about blogs anymore.

who would have thought?

i wonder if i should even keep going with this only after one day of posting and still no remarks or looks or traffic. it's a bummer.

wasn't too long ago that i dreamt of being a writer and wanted to start off with a blog following. i guess i missed the boat with that. should have started this 20 years ago and i could have built up a following.

so why not go down the list of serial disappointments:

no relationship
no dream occupation
no happiness
stuck in a dead end job
lonely as hell
budgeing alcoholic

trying to think if their is anything else im missing...? might be it for now 

this is new....

 I cant believe it's almost been 15 years since i posted on here. so many life changes and so many disappointments have befallen me in that time span. I hope your all ready for a ride if your still with me. if your new here, welcome the to shit show that is my life.

I was engaged. Never would i have thought that this patheic angry human being would end up catching someone who wanted to shackle themselves to me forever. I was BEYOND happy, i was in shock and just insane with visions of happy feelings. Our union lasted almost five years and yet; never made it down the aisle. His mother hated me, i was black. He was in love with his best friend's baby's momma. I took her in my apartment with the two of us, i should have thought about it more but i never thought it would stoop to that level, but he did and so did she. Cheating in my house where they both didnt pay rent. They had to be removed, with the help of family, mine not his, they were gone and that was that. 

Jump about 3 years later and alot of bad dates and random guys who did NOTHING for me, i stopped dating and found a guy online. he was from my old stomping grounds, he was cute and i didn't anticipate a problem but i probably should have. In that time span, i had been promoted at work 3 times to management(yay me) and had a everyday crush situation with one customer situation. i got brazen and found the guts to ask him out, turns out he didn't date black girls or should change that to say, he didn't date black girls like me. i was crestfallen. i mean i did the most when it came to him in mind. if he requested me to help him i would find someone else to take care of him, i mean honestly; how could someone face the person who basically called them out for not being their type in a big bold display in front of others. being the age i was, i wanted to cry but i had to keep face and move on. 

Trying to establish a bond with the new guy i chatted with online curtosy of a dating website we met and our first met or date if thats what you want to call it was beyond unconvential, he was working selling vape products. not only that, he was with his coworker/homie and it was akward and i was beyond nervous. he was tall, so damn tall. blue eyes, blond hair, gangster as hell and wanted to just make a good change and maybe find my lobster as pheobe said about ross and rachel and in NO way would i compare this relationship to theirs. 

It was only maybe 2 or 3 months into our so called relationship when he ran into a situation about his living arrangement and needed a place to stay. i offered because we were dating and he had spent a few weekends with me but maybe i shouldn't have offered but I am the helper and helped i did. one thing i didn't expect was the hell and pain that would follow, the emotion and feeling of me grabbing bottles and throwing into walls because of anger. the desire to hurt him for cheating me in my house and his lying about it constantly, it was a mind fuck. and then the worst surprise of surprises; i had accepted a position at work to return to nightshift with a significant pay bump and i agreed. nights were beyond hard in the beginning but i got through it and fell into a pattern, maybe thats when he would cheat and have this woman or women over in my house, his couch in my living room, in my bed...

I can't over think it because the pain just comes back seeping in slowly.

He left me while i was working one night, took all his things and when i came home i see keys on the table and none of his things. i was in shock. feeling dumbfounded i called the cops and filed a missing persons report because i hadn't heard from him in 24 hours and it was the cop's face when i retold the information for the report that made me feel like a fool; he broke up with you and moved out like a coward, he doesn't want to be found. Stop, baby girl just accept it and stop..you can't fix this. that moment when i closed the door sent me into a downward spiral. 

3 days. 3 days i was sunken into the couch with bottles upon bottles of bourbon, i just drank and cried. i didn't eat, i only moved to care for my cats. i was beyond depressed. the fourth day when i went back to work my bosses asked me what happened, i gushed and told them. they felt sympathy and tried to treat me with kid gloves, i told them it wasn't what i needed. 

the fog i lived in for the longest time made me so numb that i decided to not date. ever. and so far it has been going strong since then. 

My cat passed away, that shattered me. she was my baby and taking care of her when she sick and holding her and feeding her by spoon i worried about her. calling my sister for help at 4am i couldn't believe that my rock went to sleep by the door. i worried that i would leave for work the next night and walk in the next day and she would be dead. it broke me and i was done for, i mourned her by killing my back and hands at work that night and the next 4 days after. I still have my house panther, her younger sister and she and I are bonded so close and just now i work and live for her and me. my best friend and baby.

speaking for best friends, my main one got married and i had the honor being her bridesmaid but a unforunate work related injury cause me to not be able to attend. my shutting down the position of bridesmaid is something else all together which i will not discuss; amongst other things.

so that's the unexpanded explaintion for 15 years; i think i did pretty good. trying to keep up with these things here it will be difficult but i will try.