what's happenin'?

  i had a dream last night(my night time is your daytime) about changes. the ideal persona of me and what my life would look like and be, felt like a fever dream. if that was possible, you know dreaming something and it comes to reality, that would be both good and bad; i'd be living my ideal life and be happy but miserable at the same time. 

guess my own reality, not the one made up for pleasant dreams is the life i get to live until i make the changes to my life that i want. doubtful i can get into harvard or NYU and be a business minor/paralegal major living in canada with loyal and consistent friends. 

it's nice to dream.

24hrs until my mini vacation, and I nothing planned just how i wanted. this is my down time, my rest and reset time. i plan on enjoying every single minute of it and not telling people im off so i can have some time to myself. just me and my midnight shawdow. we need this time together just to chill, veg out and do nothing. 

work is slightly easier but we keep losing people left and right because they aren't used to the expectation levels we had become used to, just work maybe a week and never come back again or work long enough to get one check and then just abandon the job. do i hold it against them? it's not my place to say because i have been there for years and know that the sudden changes in everything has effected people differently; whether they are quitting, abandoning the job or switching positions because the work has become too strenious. i feel as though if the option to come back is open then i hope they do, more than likely they'll come back around christmas time. i hope they do come back though, we had begun to have another good time working. but now, it's just meh.

how's everyone else doing?

getting things off my chest

 good morning my republic, it has been a long time since(at least i think it has been) but i did try to write something yesterday and then again on monday but my bed was my best friend for my whole two days off, i could tell my seasonal depression was starting up and i just wanted to be left alone; i did and i was.

you know, lately i don't like how people make cracks at those who admit they are lonely and when a call or text comes through, we choose who we want to answer for. not everyone needs our attention because all they're gonna do is brag about them, then ask about you and then go right back to making everything about them. 

who has time for all of that? 

getting ready for my mini vaction this month, i been tryng to keep it consistent and just take some time off every month, i can't call out like that until my points drop again, they start coming off next month and then every month after that, i just still feel it's bullshit your find it okay to charge people points when they callout sick, just because you feel people are just lying to get out of work your labeling people without understanding how they could be covering up an illness to come and work for your stupid ass, it's still a deathly virus out there so people are getting sick more often( i should know i don't get sick often and i went through it a few times) but guess since your a billion dollar corporation you don't have to be understanding to your worker's wellness because a lie is still and will always be a body coming into work.

so y'all really don't f**k with me like that, huh

 i guess it's true; nobody is really checking for blogs anymore if your not someone of significance or famous or your like 13 and above the quote unquote popuar bitch with so much gossip that they go by a random name that is well known and is giving away little breadcrumbs of information about shit your curious about.

i thought once we left middle school, highschool our mentality changed into adulthood; guess i was wrong.

Still haven't heard from those who were once so intricual to my life, i know they didn't drop off the face of the earth because their social media persense is always up to date. but hey don't worry about those who YOU used to depend on for motivitation, love, advice and just general care. it's basically the most underlying, 'hey fuck you, i don't need you anymore cause i got everything i needed so you can go ahead and do you, i really don't care.'

it's the ones closer to you that hurt you the most, like that bit of philosphy hasn't proved wrong yet. As for work; everyday is something new whether it's policy, staffing, break times etc..it just changes daily so i just keep to myself and follow my alarms. i made some close associations with coworkers but i'm not diving straight in and start sharing my deep dark secrets cause whoo; there are a bunch of them. i just wish they would get the younger/newer associates work faster and be a tad bit less social when it comes time for working. we have a short time frame to get shit done and your pulling pallets slow as hell cause your in the phone changing your music(set up a damn playlist so you can just go), wanna chat and flirt(he's married, she's preganat THEY ARE NOT CHECKING YOU OUT) like it's simple shit. i put my buds in and im pulling and dropping and sweating cause i know the short time frame we have and how much work needs to be done, they act like this 5am clean up and pull back is new every night. it has been a rule in the last i'd say 11months, normally we used to pull back at 530 and back then we had enough people to do it all in 30 mintues and zone(insert huge eye roll here) for an hour. but then again as i said before, policies change every week if not every 6 weeks. i could make serious money if i was put up a betting pool for that shit at work.

had a dream about an old boss of mine, don't know what brought it up from my subconcious, just woke up on night on a day off and he face was in my eyes and his voice was still in my ears. havent seen or heard from him in years, but still he was visual and present; he still look hella fine though. i do miss him though.

i got two more nights left before my days off, just trying to power through and hopefully; ill get a few views and if i'm lucky i'll get a comment or two. i'll have an update by sunday so prep yourself and get some popcorn and wine when u read this(OLIVA POPE FOR THE WIN)

meh...

 today is one of those days i just dont want to leave the bed, between my back sore and stiff and my chest hurting from strong coughs i am just worn out. working nights i have the weirdest night time activities, i was watching youtube videos, playing video games, outside smoking cause i have no choice and i see random people coming from the train and walking i wonder what they are coming from. sometimes i make monolouges for them, stupid shit that makes me giggle and then back inside to being alone in the dark, just me and my black cat my baby and mixed drink.

i've definitely become a loner and i find nothing wrong with it, sometimes yes; sometimes i get so fucking lonely i get depressed and find myself crying while sleeping but like a true soilder i deal with it. i take my emptiness and carry on.

still haven't heard from my best friend, i wonder what's happening with her life but part of me knows that it has nothing to do with me. man scratch that, nothing about her life has ANYTHING to do with me.

i think i should just head back into the bed and chill until night fall. only have laundry do, ive avoided it for too long anyway so now i got no other choice to do it. hate laundry day.

answers; i need them

 all i want is some answers.

why am I so fucking unhappy?
who decided to make me the relationship plauge? 
when will i be happy enough with myself?

when is it gonna be my time for happiness and joy and all that other puss-ass shit. im not immune to not being happy, i felt it a few time and it showed in everything i was doing. showed on my face and in how i spoke to people. i physically felt the difference and i was something amazing and that was back when i was younger, like 28. 

now im old; old, tired, sore and angry for no reason.

if someone could tell me when i'll find some happiness i would be very appreciative.

i hate when things change and never for the better..

we all know that since the pandemic alot of things that once was the norm is now forbidden or morealess something untouchable now because she didn't see the danger in it, because again it was the norm. now that everything that was and is part of our daily lives, we have to measure the negative and positive possible ramaifications. 

who has that much time in the day to do that, 7/254/365? i know i dont.

At work we started something new, "team swarming" and let me just say this here; that is the most idiotic stupid shit i have ever heard of and done. i work with people who just wants to through frieght anywhere and everywhere just to get it done and don't care about how long it takes the next person to come and fix their mistake. i know they do it on purpose, I KNOW they do. they don't care. so fine, don't care but don't fuck it up for me later on. I have MANY years experince where i am, why would you question my knowledge and i'm helping you? i guess im taking out my ass. 

...sorry i got tired. its like i said in my pervious post that nobody reads; this job is killing one day at a time. falling asleep at this laptop, ima gonna say goodnight and try again tomorrow; my day off.

 

first night back after break...

so i decided, even without comments to see if i have a following; I'm going to keep using this for my mental sanity. something about turning 33 makes people doubt their place on earth after so long, doubting everything you've done and will do because you feel permantely stuck in a shit circle of life.

thats what's im dealing with. my job lack for better words is basically me working inside my own grave, has been like this for the last 3 out of 8 years i've been employed their. i keep thinking, i make a difference because i show up and give them 100 percent of myself but i'm not recognized for hard work, not that i would want the eyes on me but something personal would make me feel i guess the phrase is; valued. which a joke considering where i work. To have come back from a vacation and only a few people noticed me missing means alittle to me but not a bunch, i only associate with maybe 5 out of our 20plus number crew but that's just me, im not a young one trying to make friends im here to work and clock out and go home. i should have made it a longer vacation but i can't be out too long without getting paid for the whole time, taking one paid day and two unpaid ontop of my usual schedueled nights off was the most i ever did in a long time.

but i digress;
I know that being unhappy within my life, it means that i have to take the tools i learned from highschool therapy and make things better. but you know what, the fact that my neighbor things im following her and harassing her because im smoking and come outside and i see her(coincidence i know but she is old as hell and has to be paranoid and wants to keep track of how many times i come out side to smoke) what she fails to realise is that I don't care that much about her to follow her and want to be bothered with her. honestly, that old bat needs to move back to the retirement villagee across the street and leave me the fuck alone. one day im gonna snap and the fact i didnt yet even when she called the police on me for smoking in front of my door. i have some type of guardian watching me not letting me explode and maybe claim a life.

i could change jobs to something that i wanna do and be happy but the fact remains this that nothing pays like job ever since covid started and minimum wage was hiked up. sad to say i cant beat the pay im making now. and since i dont have those degrees and training to get something better paying and might make me happy i have the choice of either staying where i am or taking a lower paying job and then end up finding another job to just make sure i can make ends meet.

my life is hilarious, a fucking greek tradegy. 

no response is a response...

Well it seems like my return after 15 years wasn't greeted the way i wanted. i guess some people don't care about blogs anymore.

who would have thought?

i wonder if i should even keep going with this only after one day of posting and still no remarks or looks or traffic. it's a bummer.

wasn't too long ago that i dreamt of being a writer and wanted to start off with a blog following. i guess i missed the boat with that. should have started this 20 years ago and i could have built up a following.

so why not go down the list of serial disappointments:

no relationship
no dream occupation
no happiness
stuck in a dead end job
lonely as hell
budgeing alcoholic

trying to think if their is anything else im missing...? might be it for now 

this is new....

 I cant believe it's almost been 15 years since i posted on here. so many life changes and so many disappointments have befallen me in that time span. I hope your all ready for a ride if your still with me. if your new here, welcome the to shit show that is my life.

I was engaged. Never would i have thought that this patheic angry human being would end up catching someone who wanted to shackle themselves to me forever. I was BEYOND happy, i was in shock and just insane with visions of happy feelings. Our union lasted almost five years and yet; never made it down the aisle. His mother hated me, i was black. He was in love with his best friend's baby's momma. I took her in my apartment with the two of us, i should have thought about it more but i never thought it would stoop to that level, but he did and so did she. Cheating in my house where they both didnt pay rent. They had to be removed, with the help of family, mine not his, they were gone and that was that. 

Jump about 3 years later and alot of bad dates and random guys who did NOTHING for me, i stopped dating and found a guy online. he was from my old stomping grounds, he was cute and i didn't anticipate a problem but i probably should have. In that time span, i had been promoted at work 3 times to management(yay me) and had a everyday crush situation with one customer situation. i got brazen and found the guts to ask him out, turns out he didn't date black girls or should change that to say, he didn't date black girls like me. i was crestfallen. i mean i did the most when it came to him in mind. if he requested me to help him i would find someone else to take care of him, i mean honestly; how could someone face the person who basically called them out for not being their type in a big bold display in front of others. being the age i was, i wanted to cry but i had to keep face and move on. 

Trying to establish a bond with the new guy i chatted with online curtosy of a dating website we met and our first met or date if thats what you want to call it was beyond unconvential, he was working selling vape products. not only that, he was with his coworker/homie and it was akward and i was beyond nervous. he was tall, so damn tall. blue eyes, blond hair, gangster as hell and wanted to just make a good change and maybe find my lobster as pheobe said about ross and rachel and in NO way would i compare this relationship to theirs. 

It was only maybe 2 or 3 months into our so called relationship when he ran into a situation about his living arrangement and needed a place to stay. i offered because we were dating and he had spent a few weekends with me but maybe i shouldn't have offered but I am the helper and helped i did. one thing i didn't expect was the hell and pain that would follow, the emotion and feeling of me grabbing bottles and throwing into walls because of anger. the desire to hurt him for cheating me in my house and his lying about it constantly, it was a mind fuck. and then the worst surprise of surprises; i had accepted a position at work to return to nightshift with a significant pay bump and i agreed. nights were beyond hard in the beginning but i got through it and fell into a pattern, maybe thats when he would cheat and have this woman or women over in my house, his couch in my living room, in my bed...

I can't over think it because the pain just comes back seeping in slowly.

He left me while i was working one night, took all his things and when i came home i see keys on the table and none of his things. i was in shock. feeling dumbfounded i called the cops and filed a missing persons report because i hadn't heard from him in 24 hours and it was the cop's face when i retold the information for the report that made me feel like a fool; he broke up with you and moved out like a coward, he doesn't want to be found. Stop, baby girl just accept it and stop..you can't fix this. that moment when i closed the door sent me into a downward spiral. 

3 days. 3 days i was sunken into the couch with bottles upon bottles of bourbon, i just drank and cried. i didn't eat, i only moved to care for my cats. i was beyond depressed. the fourth day when i went back to work my bosses asked me what happened, i gushed and told them. they felt sympathy and tried to treat me with kid gloves, i told them it wasn't what i needed. 

the fog i lived in for the longest time made me so numb that i decided to not date. ever. and so far it has been going strong since then. 

My cat passed away, that shattered me. she was my baby and taking care of her when she sick and holding her and feeding her by spoon i worried about her. calling my sister for help at 4am i couldn't believe that my rock went to sleep by the door. i worried that i would leave for work the next night and walk in the next day and she would be dead. it broke me and i was done for, i mourned her by killing my back and hands at work that night and the next 4 days after. I still have my house panther, her younger sister and she and I are bonded so close and just now i work and live for her and me. my best friend and baby.

speaking for best friends, my main one got married and i had the honor being her bridesmaid but a unforunate work related injury cause me to not be able to attend. my shutting down the position of bridesmaid is something else all together which i will not discuss; amongst other things.

so that's the unexpanded explaintion for 15 years; i think i did pretty good. trying to keep up with these things here it will be difficult but i will try.